Discernment Counseling
You have been in couples therapy for a while. Without much progress, one of you seriously considers leaving the relationship, while the other is unsure.
You are losing hope and commitment to the couples therapy process. Reluctant to admit it, you have been distracted and passive in the couples therapy sessions.
You haven't been doing the home practice assigned by your couples therapist. Either you don't find them helpful, or you don't have the energy to try.
You predominantly see the negative side of your relationship and how it's dragging your down in life. It's hard for you to recall positive memories with your partner. Or you don't find it helpful to think about it.
You are anxious and fearful because your partner talks about leaving the relationship. They don't seem to be empty threats.
Yes, I have seen all of these on my end as a couples therapist. It starts with a gut feeling that my couples are not on the same page with me, that our energy is not vectoring towards the same goal. And I am right, there is a part of one partner that wants to flee from the relationship. What makes it complicated is everyone has many parts:
the part that is too afraid to leave;
the part that is angry and wants to control;
the part that is anxious about the unknown future;
the part that is ashamed about being single or divorced;
the part that is critical and judging other parts... YOU tell me.
Human ambivalence is normal but hard to tolerate. All these voices want to be heard and they deserve to be heard.
“I stay with what works until it does not. Then if it seems worth it, I do all I can so it will work. When that does not work, I let go and move on with love and without judgment.”
Discernment Counseling FAQs:
How to initiate discernment counseling?
Ideally, the couples therapist recognizes the need for discernment counseling and refers the couple to a specialist.
How long is discernment counseling?
It can go from one to multiple sessions. At the end of each session, the therapist assesses and discusses with the couple to see if another session is needed.
What happens after discernment counseling sessions?
If the couple decides to stay in their relationship, they go back to couples therapy. If they decide to separate, the discernment counselor refers them to community resources to support separation.
What are the qualities of a competent discernment counselor?
They have a high tolerance for frustration, anxiety, ambivalence, and all the complications coming with discernment counseling. They are firm and directive. They provide clear structure and safety. They are patient and compassionate.