I sat with my own inner room and listened. Two parts spoke up. And someone in the back finally got a word in.
Imagine a room full of people. They’re all competing for the center stage. Everybody wants the microphone. They fill up all the space.
And somewhere in the back, there’s one who can’t get in.
For me, that’s our desire. Our life force. The energy that creates. There’s no room for her, because our life energy is being used by everyone else in the room.
Last week, in The Spark and the Space, I explored two kinds of wanting: the reaching kind, which leans forward and wants to make something happen, and the spacious kind, which sits back, open and curious. This week I wanted to look more closely at the reaching kind. Who inside us is doing all that reaching?
Every Part Needs Energy
In parts work, including IFIO (Intimacy from the Inside Out), which I use with couples, we see that each of us has many parts. And from a systemic view, each part needs energy to keep running. Each one wants its seat at the table.
So I tried it myself. I sat down, listened to my own inner room, and let two of my parts speak. My parts may not be your parts. As you read, just notice who shows up for you.
Meet the Reality Coach
The first part I met is the loudest one. I see it in myself, in my clients, in people in my life. Many of us call it the inner critic. I call mine the Reality Coach.
When I let her speak, she sounded like this:
“Who do you think you are? You want that? You don’t deserve that. You’re asking for too much. Your list is too long.”
As I spoke in her voice, I noticed some sadness inside. Something got squashed.
So I asked her a simple question: What are you doing this for?
Her answer surprised me. “I’m doing this for your own good. So you stay in touch with reality, how harsh the world is. So you don’t get disappointed when you don’t get what you want.”
She wasn’t my enemy. She was trying to protect me.
One Curious Question
I thanked her. It is good to be in touch with reality. And then I asked one more thing: What is the reality? Do we know what the next moment will bring? Are we 100% sure it will happen the way we’ve seen it before?
She went quiet. “No. I can’t be sure.”
Not because I pushed her away. Because I listened. In my experience, this is often how a protective part softens. Not through arguing with it, but through being heard, being thanked, and being asked one honest question.
Meet the Maker
Then I looked around my inner room again and asked: who else wants to speak?
The second part has so much life force. The doer. I call her the Maker. She has brought so many good things into my life: school, work, so many achievements. Her voice is fast and busy:
“We can’t just wait for other people to make us happy. That’s passive, and there’s no guarantee. We take charge. We make it happen. Go for it!”
I thanked her too. She has done so much for us. And as I listened to her, I noticed something else: I felt tired. I don’t want to always be the one who makes everything happen.
“Then who will?” she asked.
Maybe nobody has to, all the time. Maybe we can rest for a moment.
The Part That Got Squashed
When I said that out loud, I’m tired, I don’t want to always be the one making it happen, someone else showed up. From the back of the room.
A part that wants to do nothing. To be taken care of. To receive. Just to be pleasured.
Ha. There you are.
Maybe that’s the one who got squashed. That was the sadness I felt at the very beginning, when the Reality Coach was speaking. And I noticed one more voice too, one that wished all the chatter would just stop so I could simply feel. That one may need its own conversation another day.
Ironing the Cloth
After listening to these parts, I took a few breaths and asked: what’s happening inside right now?
I felt content. Relaxed. I felt space behind my eyes, and above my eyebrows, inside.
It was almost like a piece of wet cloth got ironed. The humidity goes. The wrinkles get ironed out. It even brought my shoulders outward, as if I were the fabric. I felt lighter.
The humidity is still around. It can come back in anytime. But in that moment, I was enjoying the space inside. And in that space, desire had a little room to show up.
What I’m Taking From This
Our parts are not the enemy. Each one is working hard to protect us, and each one uses our life energy to do it. (I’ve written before about how our brain manages a body budget. Every part on the stage is spending from it.)
We don’t have to push them out. We listen. We thank them. We ask one curious question. Often, they soften on their own.
When they soften, the reaching can turn into space. And in that space, the squashed part can speak.
Each of us has a different inner room, and different parts get loud for different people. There’s no right cast of characters. If your mind works differently, or your parts look nothing like mine, that’s welcome here too. (I write more about honoring different nervous systems in Loving and Living with ADHD.)
Try This: Visit Your Own Inner Room
Maybe tonight, before bed. Start with just one part.
Who is the loudest right now? Notice the voice, the tone, the posture it brings.
What is it doing this for? What is it protecting you from?
Can you thank it, and ask it one curious question?
When it softens, who else is there?
Give each part a friendly name, if you like. And notice what happens in your body as you listen.
Watch the Full Episode
This post comes from Episode 2 of my YouTube series Safe and Desired: Desire in Long-Term Relationships. In the full episode, I let both parts speak on camera and guide you through a short meditation, “Ironing the Cloth.” Subscribe on YouTube so you don’t miss the next one.
Keep Exploring
Want to Explore This With Your Partner?
If one of you is always the one making things happen, or desire feels crowded out by everything else, you don’t have to sort through it alone. I offer couples counseling in English and Mandarin over Zoom, with a free initial consultation. Together we can get curious about the parts that show up between you, without blaming anyone.
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About Yi Zhao Martins, LMFT. Yi Zhao is a licensed marriage and family therapist and somatic couples therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She draws on the Developmental Model for Couples, IFIO, System-Centered Therapy, and the predictive brain to help couples feel more at home in their bodies and with each other.
This post is for education and reflection and is not a substitute for therapy.
