Two People or Two Robots? What ChatGPT Dating Reveals About Us
Two people have just met. Each one is curious about the other. One asks ChatGPT how to win the
heart of someone from a different culture. The other asks ChatGPT whether being asked to be
exclusive on the first date is "normal."
Both are asking. Neither is asking each other.
If both of you are using ChatGPT to date, is that two people dating, or two robots?
Why Not Just Ask Your Date?
More and more people use ChatGPT for dating: writing messages, decoding texts, researching a date's culture.
As a somatic couples therapist, I'm less interested in whether this is good or bad, andmore curious about one simple question: what stops us from asking the person in front of us?
System-Centered Therapy describes a fork in the road between explaining and exploring.
Explaining gives us an answer drawn from what is already known. Exploring keeps us open to what we don't know yet.
AI is very good at explaining. It answers from past information: patterns, averages, what has been said before.
A human being has something else: the energy to explore, to stay open to the unknown, and to discover the actual person in front of us.
The Values Behind Using AI for Dating
When we reach for AI instead of our date, different values may be leading:
• Fear: asking means showing we don't know.
• Curiosity: we genuinely want to understand a difference.
• Romance: we want to surprise, and to figure it out ourselves.
• Efficiency: it is faster. For many neurodivergent people, it can also ease the load of decoding unspoken social norms.
Each of these is a category, a concept we use to make sense of what is happening inside us.
The same action can be fear one moment and curiosity the next. There is no right answer here, only an invitation to notice which value is leading.
The Predictive Brain: What Is an Emotion?
In Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of constructed emotion, the brain is always predicting.
The body sends signals, such as a racing heart or a tight chest, and the brain categorizes them using concepts from past experience.
That act of categorization is the emotion.
Emotional Granularity: The Many Shades of Sadness and Anger
Emotional granularity is how finely we can tell our feelings apart. "Sad" might really be disappointed, lonely, grieving, or homesick. "Angry" might be irritated, frustrated, hurt, or betrayed.
Each word points to a different need and a different next step.
Why Feelings Are Not Always Convenient
Feeling, and making sense of feeling, draws on what Barrett calls the body budget.
A wave of grief in the middle of the workday, or nerves before a date, can slow us down.
It makes sense that we sometimes reach for the quick explanation instead.
The Beast (2023) Explained: Romance, Fear, and Purified Emotion
Spoiler warning: this section discusses the ending of Bertrand Bonello's The Beast.
The film follows Gabrielle and Louis across three lifetimes, each with a different relationship to the unknown.
In 1910 Paris, romance is exploration: tolerating the unknown, with tension building.
In 2014 Los Angeles, that tension turns into fear of rejection, then isolation and disconnection.
In 2044, a world run by AI "purifies" human emotions so people can be efficient and productive, and life is
reduced to the minimal. Yet Gabrielle's purification fails. Something in her keeps feeling.
What Makes Us Human?
If AI can explain, and purification can make us efficient, what is left that is ours?
Perhaps it is the messy, chaotic process of unfolding into the unknown, and the moment-to-moment exploration of ourselves and each other.
You may have your own answer, and I would love for you to sit with it.
Three Small Practices to Try This Week
• Notice the category. Before you ask AI about someone, pause and ask: is fear, curiosity,
romance, or efficiency leading?
• Explore, don't only explain. Bring what AI told you back to your date as a question: "I read
this. Is it true for you?"
• Grow your granularity. When "sad" or "angry" arrives, look for a more precise word and
notice where it lives in your body.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it wrong to use ChatGPT for dating advice?
Not necessarily. AI can help you understand differences or rehearse what to say.
The question is whether it brings you back toward the person or stands in for them.
When you can, use what you learned as a starting point for a real conversation.
What is emotional granularity?
It is the ability to tell feelings apart with precision, for example noticing "disappointed" or "lonely" rather than only "sad."
Lisa Feldman Barrett's research links higher granularity with more flexible ways of responding.
What is The Beast (2023) about?
Bertrand Bonello's film follows Gabrielle and Louis across 1910, 2014, and 2044, where an AI-run society "purifies" emotions to make people more efficient.
It explores fear, love, and what we lose when feeling is removed.
Exploring Together, With Support
Early relationships, especially across cultures, are full of not-knowing. If you and your partner want a space to explore each other with curiosity instead of guessing, I offer premarital counseling and couples counseling in San Francisco and online.
Keep Exploring the Series
Episode 1: The Read Receipt Between Us
Episode 2: Whose Phone Is It, Really?
Related: Would You Marry Your Chatbot?
Related: AI Can Soothe Your Mind. It Cannot Regulate Your Body.
