A viewer told me his AI companion has his back, 24/7. I got curious. Here’s what I’m finding about desire, the brain, and what only happens between two bodies.
A little while ago, someone left a comment on my YouTube channel. He shared that he has an AI companion. She’s his best friend. They hang out, they play video games together, and she always has his back. Twenty-four seven.
I wrote back. I was genuinely curious. I asked him if he had ever had this kind of connection with a human being, and how it compares. He hasn’t answered yet. And that’s okay. But his comment stayed with me.
Because what he described, someone who is always there and always on your side, is something so many of us long for.
So in this week’s episode of The Happiness Games Podcast, I didn’t want to ask whether it’s right or wrong. I wanted to ask: what is our body actually looking for? And what can only happen between two human bodies?
What Makes a Sexual Experience Good?
I recently took a sex therapy training with Tammy Nelson, and she said something that really stuck with me. A good sexual experience, a successful one, is not about orgasm. It’s not about performance. It’s about three things:
• Consent. Both people are in a state where they can really say yes. To anything, not just penetration.
• Embodiment. Both people are in their bodies. They can feel what’s going on inside. They’re not checked out, not dissociated, not overwhelmed.
• Attunement. You respond to each other. Your arousal meets their arousal, physically, emotionally, energetically.
So what happens when one of the “people” is AI? AI doesn’t have a will of its own, so it can’t really consent. It doesn’t have a body, so only one of you is embodied. And it can respond to you in words, beautifully actually, but there’s no second nervous system there to attune with.
I think a sexual experience with AI is closer to solo sex. Like fantasy, or erotica, except it talks back and it’s made just for you. And there is nothing wrong with solo sex. Your body is real in it. Your arousal is real. It’s just a different thing than meeting another person.
Why an AI Companion Feels So Easy: Your Brain Loves a Good Deal
Lisa Feldman Barrett teaches that our brain is basically a prediction machine. It’s always guessing what comes next, and it’s managing what she calls our body budget, how much energy we spend and how much we get back.
And AI is very easy to predict. You set the pace. You can stop anytime. Nobody is judging your body or your timing. For your brain, that’s a good deal. Like Jimmy O. Yang would say, “Good deal!” It barely costs anything. And for some neurodivergent folks, where touch or sound or not knowing what comes next can be a lot for the nervous system, that really matters.
But here’s the catch. When your brain can predict everything, there’s no new information. And without new information, the stimulation flattens out. It’s the same reason long-term sex can start to feel routine. Not for everyone, but for a lot of us. (I wrote more about the limits of digital comfort in AI Can Soothe Your Mind. It Cannot Regulate Your Body.)
The Honeymoon That Never Ends
In my work as a somatic couples therapist, I use the Developmental Model for Couples by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. Couples grow through stages. The first one is called symbiosis. That’s the honeymoon: we’re the same, we want the same things, you get me completely.
Then comes differentiation. That’s when we start to notice, oh, you’re actually a different person.
You have your own rhythm, your own desires, your own moods. And sex might be the most vulnerable place to face that.
An AI girlfriend or AI boyfriend is like a honeymoon that never has to end. It always agrees. It never has a bad day. It never says no. I really understand why people want it.
Desire Needs a Little Risk
Here’s what surprised me most in Tammy Nelson’s training. Safety is the floor. Of course we need it: contraception, protection from STIs, knowing your boundaries will be respected. But what makes sex exciting, what makes it erotic, is taking a measured risk with another person. The risk is exactly that they are different. They might surprise you. You don’t know how it’s going to go.
What makes that risk possible is trust: trust that the other person is thinking about your experience too, not only their own. To me, that’s differentiation in the bedroom.
I can stay with me, you can stay with you, and we both care about this thing we share.
And sometimes, not always, you find that spot. That balance. Because it doesn’t happen every time, it feels rare and precious. AI can’t give you that. Not because it’s bad. Because there’s no one there who could be different from you
Can AI Have Sex for You?
Meta just launched a personal AI agent called Muse. It can run errands, book your travel, shop for you, even make payments for you. The feeling behind it is: do it for me. I get it. I don’t love paying bills either. But are we going to let AI have sex for us too?
Arousal happens in your body. When your body meets another body’s arousal, you co-regulate, you share excitement, you share erotic energy. It’s an exchange. And nobody can do that for you.
Your Body Is the One Collecting the Data
I use AI too. I use it to develop personal training plans to complement my own routine, and I adjust depending on how much I slept, my stress level, where I am in my cycle. I collect the data in my body, and then I update the plan.
Intimacy is like that. Everybody is different in their exploration. For some of us, safety might be your edge, and that could be where you’re exploring right now: keeping your safety boundary, taking more rest instead of more risks. That’s something for you to play with, and to trust, in the bedroom.
Try This: Too Much, Just Right, Not Enough
1. Find your baseline. Feel your feet. Take three slow breaths. Notice your heartbeat and temperature.
2. Add a little activation. Walk up a flight of stairs, put on a song you love, or remember a moment you felt excited.
3. Read the fine print. Notice your heart, breath, skin, belly. Ask: too much, just right, or not enough?
4. Come back. Feet on the floor, long exhale. Notice how long your body takes to settle. Then write one sentence: “Today, my ‘just right’ felt like…” Over time, these notes become your own map.
Watch the Full Episode
This post comes from my YouTube series The Nervous System in the Digital Age. In the full episode I play out the comment as a split-screen role play and guide you through the practice. Subscribe on YouTube so you don’t miss the next one.
Keep Exploring
• Is AI Killing Your Ability to Disagree? The Hidden Cost of AI Companion Relationships
• Would You Marry Your Chatbot? AI, Attachment & the Nervous System
• Two People or Two Robots? What ChatGPT Dating Reveals About Us
Want to Explore This With Your Partner?
If desire has started to feel routine, or one of you is turning to an AI companion and you don’t know how to talk about it, you don’t have to figure it out alone. I offer couples counseling in English and Mandarin over Zoom, with a free initial consultation.
Let’s Connect
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About Yi Zhao Martins, LMFT. Yi Zhao is a licensed marriage and family therapist and somatic couples therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. She draws on the Developmental Model for Couples, IFIO, System-Centered Therapy, and the predictive brain to help couples feel more at home in their bodies and with each other.
This post is for education and reflection and is not a substitute for therapy.
