Why Couples Struggle With Differences: Belonging, Identity, and the Two Parts in All of Us
In this episode of The Happiness Games for Romantic Relationships, I explore a powerful psychological dynamic present in all of us:
One part wants similarity —
“Yes, me too. I belong.”
Another part wants uniqueness —
“Look at me. I am different.”
Drawing from:
• System-Centered Therapy
• Richard Schwartz and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
• The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy
• Erik Erikson’s identity development theory
I examine how these internal parts shape relationship dynamics.
We all need belonging.
We all need individuality.
Different cultural contexts, developmental stages, and phases of a relationship can determine which part becomes dominant at any given time.
When Couples Get Stuck
As relationships develop, couples often enter stages where differences become more pronounced. When internal parts polarize, partners can fall into role locks — repeating patterns of pursuit, withdrawal, dominance, or accommodation.
This is normal in relationship development.
But when couples struggle to integrate their differences, professional guidance can help them move toward differentiation without disconnection.
If you are navigating:
Feeling “too different” from your partner
Identity shifts in long-term relationships
Repeating conflict patterns
Developmental transitions in marriage
This episode offers a trauma-informed, systemic lens to understand what is happening beneath the surface.
